Cop Show
by Kalgalen
Summary: You did try to set things straight. No, you're not dating Wash - dating is for boring losers. No, you don't like-like him. He's an asshole. No, you don't want to have his adopted babies, Kai, what the fuck? Kaikaina laughs and winks at you. She doesn't believe it. You shrugs. Whatever.


Word count: 894

So I showed that post to massiveheadtraumabay and we started to talk about how the second to last one would work with Suckington and it went down from there

credit to thatsmauricewithamoustache for that last line (and the possible sexytime I'll try to write if nobody more talented does it before)

* * *

Kaikaina Grif isn't the kind of person that gets surprised easily. Some say it's because she's dumb, and dumb people don't have enough brain power to process correctly what's going on around them. Some of her friends - Carolina, you guess - think it's the opposite: Kai picks up on everything going on around her and pieces it back together without even realizing it. Those cat hair stuck on the sleeve of your jacket? She noticed it. The traces of dry mud you thought you brushed off? Saw it and stored it away in a corner of her mind. The moment she catches a look of the red mark on your throat you so carefully tried to cover up, you can be sure she's going to grin at you and ask you if you _"___had fun at Wash's last night"__.

She's like an annoying beer-drinking, skirt-wearing Sherlock Holmes. With boobs.

You did try to set things straight. No, you're not dating Wash - dating is for boring losers. No, you don't like-__like__ him. He's an asshole. No, you don't want to have his adopted babies, Kai, __what the fuck?__

Kaikaina laughs and winks at you. She doesn't believe it. You shrugs. Whatever.

It goes on for a few months. Kai continues to be an obnoxious fuck everytime you come the Heavy Red coffee shop - what even is that name? - and ask for two to-go cups of coffee - one cream and sugar, the other black with a pinch of pepper and cinnamon. It also happen to be Wash's favorite after-work drink. So what? Maybe you're doing your good deed of the day. Maybe you took pity of the dark circles under his eyes. Maybe, just maybe, you didn't feel like being a dick today. Kai cackles and draws little hearts around the "T+W" she wrote on the cups.

Fuck you, Kai.

Wash is not quite sure how to react to Kai elbowing him in the ribs and asking him if he likes his men like his coffee: black, hot and spicy. When he questions you about what's up with her, you roll your eyes and answer: "Girl stuff." He looks even more confused, then decides he is not awake enough for that shit and takes a sip of coffee. His glasses steam up when he blows on the hot liquid. You frown. It's not cute at all.

Behind the counter, Kai is smiling brightly and giving you thumbs-up. You ignore her and ask Wash about his day.

Still not __dating__.

Kaikaina Grif isn't the kind of person that gets surprised easily, and that's probably why you don't hear her when she walks in on you.

She does that sometimes, when she can't remember which one of the two doors of the floor is Grif's. Yours is blue and his is orange, but of course, Kai is colorblind and too lazy to check the numbers on the apartment doors. Or so she says.

Anyway. You don't hear her burst through your front door despite her continuously excited chatter, and that's saying something. It might be due to the fact that you were sure you locked that door. Might also be because you have one ear pressed against the cushion of the sofa and Wash whispering in the other - something about what a bad person your are and how you're going to get punished. You're not really sure at that point. The only thing you're sure about is that one moment you're squeezed under Wash's larger frame, his breath hot against your skin and his words short-circuiting your brain, and the next Wash is stumbling back on his feet and pronouncing Kai's name on a slightly panicked voice.

Fuck.

"Hey guys! Having fun?" she chirps cheerfully, stepping in your living room.

Fuck fuck __fuck__.

"Hum, Kai, it's not-" Wash starts, smoothing a hand over his regulation shirt you crumpled a bit earlier.

"Not what I think?" Kai finishes, holding her index up. "Because I think you're banging."

She drops her handbag on the ground and takes a step toward the couch. You don't move. Maybe she'll eat Wash alive and spare your life if she forgets about you.

"Is that-" she stops in front of Wash, pats his chest. Giggles. "Is that your real uniform? That's hot." Then, leaning forward, on a secretive tone: "Aren't you scared of leaving weird stains on it? I have some laundry tips for you, if you want."

You can't help but grumble "Oh my god" at that. Kai turns her attention on you, but her hands stay on Wash's body. She notices the handcuffs immediately.

"Wow. Roleplay? Kinky."

You sit up and throw her a dirty look, tugging on the chains binding your wrist together.

"Fuck off, Kai."

"Fuck." Her lips curl lazily around the word. "Yeah. Good idea. Let's fuck."

Wash stares at her like she just turned in a giant tentacle monster, then looks at you, unsure. You sigh. You know she's serious - she always is, even when what comes out of her mouth sounds like nonsense. Wash didn't exactly refuse, and Kai isn't unpleasant to look at. You ask, slowly:

"What do you have in mind?"

Kaikaina smirks and sits on the coffee table.

"I'm in the mood for a nice cop show."

Her smile gets wider.

"Carry on. I'll watch."


End file.
